Performing Confidence vs. Owning Your Power
We learn early on how to present confidence, how to walk with our shoulders back, speak with authority, and project an image of self assurance. But what happens when that confidence is only surface deep? When beneath the composed exterior, there’s a quiet fear of being too much, too big, too full of ourselves? When we fear that if we stepped fully into our power, we’d be abandoned, envied, or resented?
Many of us have spent years perfecting the art of appearing confident while secretly diminishing ourselves. We can be the ones people turn to, the ones who seem in control, the ones who navigate social spaces with ease. Yet deep inside, there’s a lingering doubt about whether we are truly lovable. Not just accepted, not just liked, but truly seen and loved for the wholeness of who we are.
The Early Messages That Teach Us to Shrink
The fear of being "too much" or "full of ourselves" is often planted in childhood or early adolescence. We receive subtle messages from family, peers, and even cultural conditioning that suggest:
Standing out too much makes others uncomfortable.
Humility is shrinking, not strength.
Being proud of yourself is arrogance.
Confidence must always be softened to be palatable.
So we internalize these messages. We learn to edit ourselves, to be just enough to be liked, but not enough to be envied. To be accepted by the group but not outshine anyone. To appear secure but never risk revealing the depth of our needs, our brilliance, or our vulnerabilities.
The Hidden Cost: Attracting People Who Mirror Our Own Insecurity
When we perform confidence rather than own it, we attract relationships that reflect our own internal contradictions. If deep down we fear we are unlovable, yet we appear strong and capable, we often draw in partners, friends, and connections who also live in this duality.
We attract people who admire our confidence but don’t see our need for deeper emotional connection.
We find ourselves in relationships where love feels like acceptance, but not witnessing. Not being fully seen and known.
We unconsciously choose partners who are also presenting a version of themselves rather than living in their truth.
We end up in relationships where both people are secretly afraid of showing their full selves, leading to miscommunication, unmet needs, and unintentional hurt.
Two people wearing masks will never truly see each other.
From Performing Confidence to Owning Power
So how do we shift? How do we stop performing confidence and start embodying it?
Acknowledge Where You’re Diminishing Yourself
Notice when you downplay your intuition, talents, or emotions to make others comfortable.
Ask yourself: Am I shrinking to fit a version of myself that feels safer?
Redefine What Confidence Means
True confidence is not about proving anything—it’s about being deeply rooted in yourself.
Confidence is not arrogance; it’s self trust.
Confidence is not about being the loudest in the room; it’s about being fully present in your own skin.
Build the Muscle of Authenticity
Speak your truth even when your voice shakes.
Allow yourself to be seen without needing to control how others perceive you.
Practice expressing your full emotions without fear of being labeled "too much."
Break the Cycle of Attracting Mirror-Wound Relationships
When you begin to own your power, you will naturally start attracting people who do the same.
The more you trust your own lovability, the less you will settle for relationships that only offer partial visibility.
Healthy connections happen when two people can be their full selves without fear of rejection.
No More Shrinking
You are not meant to perform, to shrink, to soften your edges to fit into spaces that don’t celebrate your whole self. Owning your power means trusting that the right people will not only accept you. They will cherish you, exactly as you are.
And for the ones who can’t handle your full presence? That is not a reflection of your worth, but of their own fears. You do not need to shrink to keep the peace. You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to be seen. No more half versions of you. Step into your full power.
